Divorce and The Five Stages of Grief
Posted By Irene C. Olszewski, Esq. on August 11, 2009
I’ve been pondering the divorce process for some time and have concluded that when it comes to divorce, there is no winner. By that, I mean that no matter what happens in court – no matter what the divorce agreement states, no matter what the judge ultimately rules – nobody wins. Sure, we can file a motion and “win” whatever it was we were asking the court to grant. I’m not talking about that kind of “win.” I’m really referring to the psychological aspects of divorce.
I’ve spoken to a number of colleagues who are experienced psychotherapists with a variety of degrees (MSW, MFT, Ph.D. and Psy.D.). I am also drawing on some of my own training in the area of the behavioral sciences and my bird’s eye view, if you will, of the psychodynamics of my clients. My psychotherapist colleagues and I are in agreement on one important belief: divorce is an emotional death and the parties to a divorce experience significant loss (even if they know that the divorce is what is best for them).
In her ground-breaking book, On Death and Dying (1969), the renowned psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler- Ross gave us the model for identifying the five (5) phases of grief. I agree with my experienced psychotherapist colleagues that these phases are also applicable to people going through a divorce. They are: grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
According to Kubler-Ross, a person can flip-flop back and forth between the stages, going from anger to bargaining and back again, for example. The process takes however long it takes and there is no recognized time frame for working through the five (5) phases. Most experts agree that making it all the way to “acceptance” is a lengthy and emotionally draining process.
Think about it. On your wedding day, you walk down the aisle filled with the excitement and anticipation of a brand new life. For most people, marriage holds the promise of a wonderful future, filled with happiness and love. Conversely, when you walk down the “aisle” to divorce court, those dreams are shattered for the final time. It is literally the death of a dream. Thus, you typically experience the five (5) phases of grief.
If you are currently enduring the divorce process, please recognize that what often makes it most difficult are the conflicting and ever-changing emotions you are experiencing. And please rest assured that your attorney understands.
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Disclaimer: The information, comments and links posted on the blog do not constitute legal advice. I will not respond to any specific legal questions in the comments section of this blog. Read my entire disclaimer.
copyright 2009 Irene C. Olszewsk
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You could certainly see your enthusiasm in the work you write. The world hopes for even more passionate writers like you who are not afraid to say how they believe. All the time go after your heart.