Even under the best of circumstances, people engaged in the collaborative divorce model can reach an impasse.  Rather than give up and resort to litigation, collaboratively-trained lawyers, financial professionals and neutral coaches will encourage the couple to brainstorm creative solutions.

I came upon this post by Texas Collaborative Divorce Attorney, Dick Price that says it all:

5 Tips for Getting out of an Impasse
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, it seems like you reach a dead end with your spouse on an issue in a Collaborative Law case. It happened while you were together, and it shouldn’t be surprising that it still happens after you split up. You’ve thought about possible approaches and made plenty of suggestions, but no agreement seems forthcoming. While persistence can be a virtue in some situations, it can simply lead to frustration in others. If you keep trying the same tactics that haven’t worked on the same issues, you probably aren’t going to reach an agreement. What you need is a change. Here are five brief possibilities to help you get out of a negotiation rut and into an agreement.

1. Expand the pie. Review the situation and come up with some other possibilities. If you have gotten down to a choice between two options and neither party is willing to agree to the other side’s choice, then back up and come up with some other choices. For example, if the decision is about who will take care of the children after school, and each parent wants a different grandparent to be in charge, maybe you should come up with other possible caregivers. If you rule out the current choices and look for others, you may come up with another satisfactory choice you had overlooked. Avoid assumptions about how the issues should be decided. Open up your imagination to look for other solutions. Get out of the rut.

2. Expand your point of view. Oftentimes, we focus so much on our own thoughts and ideas that we begin to have trouble understanding how anyone could possibly think another way on an issue. When that happens in negotiations, that narrowing of focus can lead to impasse. One solution is to listen to the other party and then reflect back to him or her what is being said. If you can just put into your own words what the other side is saying or asking for, it can increase your understanding of their position and may open up your thoughts to new possibilities. In some Collaborative joint meetings, it has been helpful to ask each party to state the other party’s position on an issue and to explain why the party favors that position. It is also common, in preparation for Collabortive meetings or mediations or just plain negotiations at the courthouse, to have my client tell me what the other party would say about various issues. That helps me understand, but it also helps each client/party who works on that. Greater understanding of the issues and the other party can help lead to agreement.

3. Go back to your broad goals. It is very easy in negotiations to get drawn into discussions of small points. As you get into the smaller, lower-level goals, the options available are reduced and the potential for impasse increases. Sometimes you get off track and spend time on things that are irrelevant or just marginally useful. One way to get out of that trap is to stop the discussion and go back to your goals. For example, if you are stuck in a discussion about whether to take part of a retirement account or keep the house (and its equity), it can be helpful to review your major goals. If one of the goals was to maximize your retirement resources, then you probably need to take the retirement account. If a goal was to keep a stable home for the children, you might want to keep the house. If your goal was to obtain or have access to cash, and if you can realistically sell the house quickly, then you would probably want to get the house and sell it. Without constantly keeping the goals in mind, sometimes parties get into emotional arguments over assets because they “love” the house or because their hard work created the retirement account. The goals are more neutral and should always be the ideal in mind as the parties negotiate.

Another problem that frequently occurs is that you have gone from macro level goals to micro level goals. In other words, instead of trying to create ways to stay in daily contact with your child (macro goal), you get into an argument about whether your spouse must guarantee that s/he will be home at a certain hour (micro goal), rather than looking at it broadly and trying to find as many ways as possible to communicate with your child. Dealing with the issues at a broader level increases the number of opportunities to find solutions.

4. Get professional help. We usually work in the team model, using two attorneys, a neutral financial professional (FP) and a neutral mental health professional (MHP). We sometimes have a separate child specialist. The FP and MHP have been extremely helpful in cases where the parties get stuck. On financial issues, the financial professional can ask the right questions as well as suggest alternative solutions. The MHP can help the process generally by redirecting attention to constructive areas and also by maintaining a safe atmosphere for the parties to express themselves. Being perceived as neutrals gives the FP and MHP much more credibility and effectiveness than they would have if they were linked to just one party.

5. Start with areas of agreement. If you come to a standstill somewhere, you should consider switching topics and working on subjects where you expect to agree. Then you can build some momentum. For example, if you get stuck on how to divide up the bills, you might work on how to divide up the motor vehicles or clarify the holiday visitation schedule or clarify college plans for the kids. There are always some areas where the parties will easily agree, and even reaching easy agreements can result in good feelings and a willingness to cooperate. Of course, that doesn’t mean that both sides will agree on everything once they start agreeing, but the momentum can be a helpful force for you.

Conclusiont: It’s not unusual in a Collaborative Law case to get stuck more than once. Collaborative Law is not necessarily an easy process to work in, but the results are so much better than in litigation that it is worth the effort. When those times come and you start to realize that you are at an impasse point, try out one or more of the above techniques. They should be great tools to help you reach a successful conclusion for your clients.

Source: Texas Collaborative Law Blog, September 16, 2008, by Dick Price, Esq.

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Disclaimer: The information, comments and links posted on the blog do not constitute legal advice. I will not respond to any specific legal questions in the comments section of this blog. Read my entire disclaimer.

Copyright 2011 Irene C. Olszewski

I’ll start by saying that if there are minor children born to a marriage and the divorcing couple is fighting about every little detail involving the children, most judges will appoint a GAL automatically.  As I explained in a previous post, the role of a GAL is to act in the best interests of the children.  Those interests might not be your in own personal best interests or even your preference — but that’s not the GAL’s concern.  If the GAL happens to be an attorney, he or she does not represent you or your spouse and cannot give either of you legal advice.  That’s why you have a lawyer.

If you are represented by a lawyer and you feel that the appointment of a GAL would benefit your children, articulate that to your lawyer and he or she will draft the appropriate motion and/or verbally present the issue to the court.  If a court rules that a GAL is necessary, one will be appointed.

Connecticut now requires that all GALs obtain certification in order to be on the approved GAL list for service in family cases.  Please be aware that the services of a GAL are not free.  Depending on your income, you and your spouse may be each be responsible for paying for 50 percent of the GAL’s fees (or some percentage based upon each party’s income).  Most GALs require a retainer (advance payment) before they begin their work.  They will bill both parties according to their normal fee schedule.  Some GALs will accept payment from the State for their services.  If that Court determines that you are indigent, the Court will appoint a State-paid GAL, if one is available.  Not all GALs will work for State rates, which are significantly less than their normal rates.  For that reason, there is usually a delay before a State-paid GAL enters your case.

If you are self-represented (which is usually not a great idea when custody, visitation and child support are involved and the case is contentious), you may file a motion with the court requesting that a GAL be appointed in your case.  In some instances, if you are in front of a judge for some phase of the case and you simply ask for a GAL, he or she might appoint one without requiring a motion.  It honestly depends on the circumstances — and the judge.

Either way, the appointment of a GAL is usually a sound way to proceed when issues concerning your minor children cannot be agreed upon.

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Disclaimer: The information, comments and links posted on the blog do not constitute legal advice. I will not respond to any specific legal questions in the comments section of this blog. Read my entire disclaimer.

copyright 2011 Irene C. Olszewski

The GAL’s job is to investigate the family’s circumstances and dynamics and to make recommendations to the court as to what parenting plan (custody and visitation, among other issues) will serve your children’s best interests. A GAL may investigate claims of abuse or neglect by a parent, issues between siblings, substance abuse by a parent, and numerous other issues.

It is important that you cooperate fully with a GAL in order that he or she can truly assess what will be in your children’s best interests at a time when you and your spouse may not be objective due to the stress (and grief) associated with the divorce.

Disclaimer: The information, comments and links posted on the blog do not constitute legal advice. I will not respond to any specific legal questions in the comments section of this blog. Read my entire disclaimer.

copyright 2010 Irene C. Olszewski

Parents who are engaged in the divorce process should take a few moments to view the video released by the Connecticut Judicial Branch called “Putting Children First.” The video features Superior Court Judge Elaine Gordon, who handled custody disputes as an attorney and now hears those difficult cases as a judge. Some of the statistics reported in the video may be shocking.

The video is available on DVD by calling the External Affairs Division at 860-757-2270.

Watch: Putting Children First
(This link will take you to the Judicial Branch website. Click on the link for the video and it will open on your computer screen in a media player such as Windows Media Player, which you must have installed on your system).