Early in my career as a lawyer, I accepted a court-appointment to represent a man who had been hauled into court for non-payment of child support.  My client was a nice enough guy, his lack of ability to accurately relate the facts of his case to me aside.

According to the Support Enforcement Officer, my client had a weekly support order of $50 but for the past year, he had only made $50 payments every other week.  When I asked my client why, he explained that he always made his child support payments on the day he got paid.  He paid in full, he assured me.  Every time.

I asked the Support Enforcement Officer to check his books and let me know if an error had been made.  They are actually known to happen, in case you were wondering.  I asked if perhaps an audit might be prudent.  The Officer smiled at me — actually, it was an annoyed frown but the smile makes the story warm and fuzzy. Okay, so he frowned at me and said, “Counselor, look for yourself.  It lists every payment made right here.”

I looked and sure enough, the ledger showed that my client faithfully made a $50 payment every two weeks.

I went back to my client and asked again why he only paid every other week.  He patiently explained that he always paid in full when he got paid.  Before I had a chance to say anything more, the marshal informed me that the Magistrate wanted to hear the case …. right now! Basically, that meant I was done interviewing my client.

We hurried into court.  I expertly opened my file, poised my pen as if I were about to commence writing The Gettsyburg Address, and signed my name to the Appearance Form.  (Hey, it was a Montblanc, okay?) I handed the form to the marshal and began my little lawyer speech.

“Your honor, my client is here for a …”

“I know why he’s here, Counselor,” interrupted the Magistrate. They do that a lot.  “Why hasn’t he paid his child support?”

“Well, your honor, my client gets paid every two weeks and he faithfully makes his payments then,” I explained.  “But there seems to be some sort of ….”

“Problem, Counselor?”  She interrupted again.  This was old hat to her, apparently.

The Support Enforcement Officer chimed in:   “Your honor, he does pay every two weeks but his weekly order is $50.”

“Well, sir, what’s the problem?”   The Magistrate was asking my client a direct question.  That’s always scary.

Cient:  “I pay my child support every time I get paid.  You know, like it says.”

Magistrate:  “How much, sir?”

Client:  “Fifty dollars, like it says.”

Magistrate:  “You pay fifty dollars every week?”

Client:  “Yes, every time I get paid.”

Magistrate:  “So you pay fifty dollars every week.”

“Client:  “Yes, when I get paid.”

At which point, I realize that what my client isn’t understanding is that he has a weekly order of $50 and if he gets paid every two weeks, he is supposed to pay …. hmmm.

Magistrate:  “You pay fifty dollars every …”

“Your honor,” I interrupt.  Sometimes they let you get away with that.

“I think I understand the confusion,” I state, sounding a whole lot like Clarence Darrow (or at least Jack McCoy).  “May I ask my client a question?”

She nods, hoping I have just deciphered the Da Vinci Code.

Me:  “Sir, do you get paid every week?”

Client:  “No, every other week.”

Me:  “Okay, so how much is your weekly child support order?”

Client:   “It’s fifty dollars.  That’s what I pay.”

Me: “Do you understand that if you are supposed to pay fifty dollars every week and you get paid every other week, then you have to double the payment in order to be compliant?”

Client: “Yes.”

Me:  “So what are you supposed to pay every two weeks?”

Client:  “Fifty dollars.”

The court room is packed.  We’ve got everyone’s attention, which is rare in a court room.  Even the lady with the baby who has been annoyingly snapping her gum in the front row all morning is sitting on the edge of her seat. People are snickering.  I am barely able to control myself from erupting into laughter but I am a professional.  I pinch myself hard.  Then I swallow (audibly, I think) and try again.

Me:  “Okay, sir.  If you have to pay fifty dollars EVERY week and you get paid every TWO weeks, how much are you supposed to pay from each paycheck?”

At which point, the entire court room simultaneously shouts:  “ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS!”

In case you were wondering, the Magistrate went easy on the guy.  It must have been my legal brilliance that softened her up.

Moral:  It’s really important to learn your arithmetic.

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copyright 2011 Irene C. Olszewski

On the day in question, I was serving as a court-appointed GAL (Guardian Ad Litem) for the minor child in a paternity case. The alleged father had recently been released from prison and the State was brining a paternity action as a precursor to a child support action.

In such cases, the Assistant Attorney General (AAG, for short) generally asks the mother a series of personal – but necessary – questions that may help to establish paternity. Rather than put the mother on the witness stand, the magistrate allowed the AAG to question her while she (the mother) remained standing at the counsel table. I stood to the mother’s left, facing the magistrate. I was literally standing right in front of him. Well, I was about 5 feet away from the bench, but I was standing directly in his line of vision. The AAG stood to the mother’s right and consulted her notes. The court clerk, a court reporter, and two marshals were facing us from the front left side of the courtroom. The courtroom was packed, quiet and extremely bored.

As you read the following exchange, keep in mind that 1) I was intent on maintaining professional decorum at all costs; 2) I was in full view of a magistrate the entire time and therefore could NOT laugh for any reason; and 3) The clerk, court reporter and both marshals were laughing hysterically almost the entire time. Sound like fun? Read on.

AAG to the mother: Okay, Miss Y, I have to ask you some very personal questions now. Do you understand?

Mother: Yes.

AAG: Okay. Miss Y, did you have intercourse with Mr. X around the time you became pregnant?

Mother: Yes.

AAG: Were you having intercourse with any other man around the time you became pregnant?

Mother: What? No, just him.

AAG: Did you give birth to the child on or about April 1, 2006?

Mother: Yeah, that’s my kid’s birthday.

AAG: So, is it safe to say that you became pregnant sometime around July 1st of 2005?

Mother: No.

AAG: No? Well, did you find out you were pregnant sometime in July or maybe August?

Mother: No, I had the baby on April 1st.

AAG: I understand that. I’m trying to determine when you became pregnant.

Mother: Ok.

AAG: So if you had the baby on April 1, 2006, is it reasonable to say that you would have become pregnant sometime in July of 2005, right?

Mother: No.

AAG: No? Okay, so if you had the baby on … here, look at this calendar …

Mother: Ok, I will.

AAG: Counting backwards … see … April, March, February, January, December, November, October, September, August, July. That’s 9 months, right?

Mother: I guess so.

AAG: You guess so?

Mother: Well, you counted. I was just watching.

AAG: Okay, well, let’s look at the calendar again.

[At this point, the AAG points to each month starting with April and counts out loud backward to July while the mother nods.]

AAG: So you must have gotten pregnant sometime in July then?

Mother: No.

AAG: Okay, well, did you deliver the baby prematurely then?

Mother: No, Ma’am, he was full term. 10 pounds.

AAG: Full term, I see. So then wouldn’t you have become pregnant in July of 2005? 9 months before the baby’s birth?

Mother: No.

AAG: No?

[The AAG is ready to tear her hair out at this point. The rest of the courtroom is listening intently, waiting to see what she’ll ask next. Me included. She removes her reading glasses and looks the mother right in the eye.]

AAG: [Long exasperated sigh]

AAG: Okay, Miss Y. Can you please tell me when you become pregnant?

Mother: Before I had the baby.

Author’s Note: You just can’t make this stuff up!